Birthdays aren't so Bad ~ Part I

I really, really did not want to have a birthday this year. I even considered flying to a remote island until the month was over in order to avoid it.(no, not seriously) But, I was anxious about it. Maybe because I have had some bad experiences with birthdays. It may have started with 16- kind of a letdown- no dating or driving and some of my friends ended up having a big argument and making the party awkward and unpleasant for everyone.

33 was a rough one. Just having moved, I kind of planned my own party, which felt awkward. It was a good learning experience though. I learned that it is better to ask for what you really want. I really wanted to go to the temple and have waffles with my closest girl friends- maybe on the Saturday before, and then on the actual day to go someplace nice or just new and adventurous with Mr. B.(the guy I was dating)

Honestly, it was a good day. I had a great boyfriend who brought me flowers and my favorite ice cream and gave me tickets to see Matt Kearney in concert. I had sweet friends who met up for dinner and many who came from across the valley in a snow storm. I appreciated all of it, really. But, I should have told my dear friends when they asked what I really wanted. Maybe if I had been in the habit of doing that-of not holding back, of trusting, and of believing that what I felt and what I wanted was worthwhile and good, I would have enjoyed the day, and maybe my relationship with Mr. B. would have lasted a little longer. Maybe I would not have felt so empty and alone after everyone went home. But, I am grateful for the learning experience, and for the friends who put up with me as I continue to work on becoming more open and expressive.
Here is an excerpt from notes I wrote to myself on Oct 20, 2009: "I don't know why I planned the whole party thing... to be cool maybe. But I would rather be real, so I am going to work on that."

I promise most of my postings will be positive, but, notice, this is only Part I. It gets better.