A Dating Project

A few weeks ago, I went to a fireside at our midsingles branch. Our Branch Presidency each spoke about how they met and married their spouses. I was surprised to learn that our President and his wife had both been married before. He talked about how scared he was to date, how after his divorce he had decided he would simply avoid relationships and finish raising his kids alone. And then he met his wife, and they got to know each other. They connected and he faced his fears and they are together and happy. He told us to be happy and to enjoy this part of our lives.

I had just ended things with another great man, and was feeling somewhat tired and frustrated with the whole dating scene. When President Norton said we should enjoy this single phase of our lives, it hit me. I needed to do something different. I need a new dating paradigm. Dating has been a big part of my life for more than a decade. So, I should enjoy it. It should be fun. As I left that night's activity, feeling anxious about the ups and downs of another evening of socializing with singles, I felt like I needed to read the book 31 Dates in 31 Days. In it Tamara describes her experiences with creating and living her own dating project. As I finished reading about all of the things she learned and the ways she grew, I realized I needed to do this too. So, I emailed Tamara, the author, and asked for her Dating Boot Camp Starter Kit. It's strange, but all of this has felt totally inspired. Perhaps because it coincided with a renewed commitment to spend time studying my scriptures and praying, or simply because it is right for me at this time.

So, I am off! 20 First Dates in the month of May. Already, I have had such positive experiences- friends and family have been amazingly supportive. Guys I've asked have been enthusiastic and encouraging. Even those who have turned it down because they are dating someone already, have been really positive about the idea. And I haven't been on the first date yet. I am looking forward to this new adventure. I will be blogging about each date at 20firstdates.blogspot.com. I welcome your thoughts and comments. 

Why still single?

For anyone who has ever wondered about me or any other great 30+ single person you know, this article describes the situation for a lot of us. It is written about men, but can also apply to women. I know because I am a woman and these patterns describe me almost perfectly.

Common patterns:

1. They suffer from excessive pressure caused by anticipatory anxiety.

"they feel anxious about disappointing the person they date. This causes additional pressure that makes them anticipate what their date may be thinking, feeling, or expecting. This creates even more anxiety and causes them to analyze what they are feeling (or not feeling) and take action quickly so as to not disappoint or hurt their date.

What they don’t realize is that this very concern actually inhibits their ability to have fun, relax, and feel a deeper connection. They analyze their emotions so closely that is is difficult for them to feel positive and spontaneous emotions. As time goes on, the added pressure makes it more difficult for them to believe that they will ever get out of the trap."

2. Many of the people they date inadvertently add even more pressure.

"the people they date tend to become excessively available, accommodating, and committed too early in the process. These women or men are often very understanding and supportive, which further adds pressure to the men or women to not hurt them... When the people they date are not anxious for commitment, these men(or women) feel less anxiety, and as a result their positive emotions come more easily. Only after investing in the person (without pressure) over a period of months (while also having a lot of fun), they feel a deeper emotional connection. "

2. When it comes to dating these men(women) feel disconnected from God.

"These men(or women) have strong testimonies and many powerful spiritual experiences; however, when it comes to dating, mate selection, and the decision to marry, often these men(or women) feel that God is silent, which only adds to their fears and doubts.

Without feeling a strong emotional attachment, these men(or women) just stalemate or break up. Of course, in most cases, God probably wants them to decide for themselves, but the different possibilities (and fear of making the wrong decision) only add to their doubt and confusion.

This anxiety and doubt can be lessened when others express faith and trust in them and in the many blessings that marriage will give them. In many ways, these men(or women) need an abundance of positive and faith-filled messages to combat their anxiety and strengthen their faith and confidence––rather than receiving criticism or lectures on why they aren’t progressing to marriage." YES, YES, YES!!! And thank you for all of you have been so supportive in so many ways.